Reasons why It's Great to Be A Guy
Phone conversations last 30 seconds
You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
You can open all your own jars
Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
You can go to the bathroom alone
Your last name stays put
You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
You can kill your own food
The garage is all yours
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
Cleaning the toilet is optional
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry
You don't have to shave below your neck
You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
If you're 34 and single, no one notices
Chocolate is just another snack
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything
You never have to worry about other's feelings
Three pair of shoes are more than enough
You can say anything and not worry about what people think
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
One mood, all the time
You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
Gray hair and wrinkles add character
Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
The remote is yours and yours alone
You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
If you retain water, it is in a canteen
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quitestartled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
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A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
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A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened-to which the man replies: "She choked."
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 2 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 2 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the twostripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!
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Women's English
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Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains =. .. and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
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Men's English:
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I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice body!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it... We'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Okay, I said it... We'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
(While shopping): I like that one better = Pick any dress and let's go home and have sex!
Bartender's Joke of the day (5 Feb 1998) ...
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said "ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one".
The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"
"Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.
"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"
Bartender's Joke of the day (4 Feb 1998) ...
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on.
A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck.
The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."
The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."
One day God, Moses and Jesus go for a game of golf. Moses goes first, he takes a shining silver driver and a single silver golf ball from his golf bag . He hits the ball with a tremendous thump, it travels far and high, stopping just short of the green. He turns to God and Jesus with a smug look on his face, obviously pleased with his shot. Jesus goes next, he takes from his golf bag a shining gold driver and a single gold golf ball. He too hits the ball well, it travels slightly further than Moses's ball, stopping just short of the hole. Jesus turns to the other two with a big grin on his face, because he too is pleased with his shot. Then God steps up, he takes from his golf bag a golf club that can be best described as a crooked piece of wood with a rock tied to the end and a small stone for a golf ball. He hits his golf ball hard, it heads straight for the hole, then a gust of wind blows the ball into the rough. Immediately a rabbit springs from the rough with God's ball in his mouth, then the rabbit is snatched by a large hawk. The hawk carries the rabbit high into the sky, then the rabbit drops the ball straight into the hole. With this Jesus turns to God and says, "Come on dad it's only a game of golf".
Bartender's Joke of the day (8 Jan 1998) ...
A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself." While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks "What're you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
Little lad asks dad what's the difference between potentially and reality ... dad says "Ask your mum and ya sister if they'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds" .. to cut a long story short he does this and they both say "Yes" .. the lad goes back to his dad .. "I get it", he says "potentially we are sitting on 2 million quid, but in reality we are living with a couple of slags"
Bartender's Joke of the day (27 Nov 1997) ...
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
A guy walks into a pub and sits down at the bar. He orders a drink, then places a small piano and stool on the bar, followed by a small man who sits at the piano. The small man starts playing the piano, and he's brilliant. Once the Bartender hears the music he asks the guy "Hey, where did you get those?". The guy replies "I found a magic lamp and the Genie inside gave me one wish, would you like to use the lamp?". "Sure" says the Bartender. So the Bartender rubs the lamp and out pops the Genie, who says "Thank you for rubbing the lamp, you may have one wish". The Bartender thinks, then says "I wish I had a million bucks". There is a blinding flash, the Genie disappears and the room is filled with lots and lots of quacking ducks. The Bartender shouts "Bucks, bucks not ducks". Then the first guy says "I forgot to tell you, he's a little bit hard of hearing. You don't think I wished for a 12 inch pianist do you?"
Bartender's Joke of the day (5 Nov 1997) ...
St Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates one day when a group of New Yorkers walked up. The New Yorkers asked if they could come in. St Peter said "Well, I don't know, we have never had a New Yorker here before, let me run back and check with the boss" St Peter walks up to God and says "We have a group of New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates that want to come in, we have never had any before, is it OK?" God looks at him and said "Sure, let them in! Welcome them with open arms" A couple of minutes later St Peter comes running back to god, yelling "They are Gone, they are GONE!!" God says "What? Where did the New Yorkers go?" St Peter says "No, the pearly gates are gone!"
A cowboy leaves the saloon walks outside and sees that some one has painted his horse pink. He walks back into the Saloon and says "Which one of you fucking bastards painted my horse" A Dude about 6ft 2ins and built like a brick shithouse stands up and says "I fucking did" The other cowboy says, "Just letting you know the first coats dry"
Three women were in a bar, talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that." The second woman said, "my husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough. I like that." The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft. And all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good its going to be when I get it."
A man walks into a hospital with a Shoe Box under his Arm, anyway he walks down one of the corridors and spots a nurse and says "where will I find the Optometrist?" The nurse says "what seems to be the trouble?" The man says "I've got these terrible pains in the stomach" The Nurse says "You don't need an Optometrist you need a Bowel Doctor" The man says "you don't understand" Any way the dude opens the shoe box and inside is turd about 18 inches long and 3 inches around. The man says "You see, everytime I pass one of these my eyes WATER". BOOM BOOM
Question: How many IBM computer people does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: 100. 1 to change the light bulb, and 99 to write a 200 page document titled 'Procedure for Replacing Incandescent Unit', of which 50% of the pages only contain 'This page intentionally left blank'.
Question: How many Microsoft computer people does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: None, they just declare darkness the new standard.
Question: How many police officers does it take to break an egg?
Answer: None, 'it fell down the stairs'
One day a butcher is in his shop when, in walks a rabbit, the rabbit says 'Got any cabbage?'
The butcher replies 'Sorry, this is a butchers shop, try the green grocers down the road'
So, the rabbit leaves.
The next day the same rabbit walks into the butchers shop and asks 'Got any cabbage?'
So, the butcher replies 'Look I've told you before, this is a butchers shop, try the green grocers down the road'
With this, the rabbit leaves.
The very next day the same rabbit walks into the butchers shop and says 'Got any cabbage?'
The butcher is getting fed up with this so he says 'Listen, if you come in here once more asking for cabbage I'll nail your floppy ears to the floor!!'
The rabbit gets the idea and leaves.
A couple of days pass, no sign of the rabbit.
Then after three days, the rabbit returns to the butchers shop. He gingerly puts his head around the door and asks 'Got any nails?'
The butcher replies 'Er, no'
Then the rabbit says 'Got any cabbage then?'
A pork pie walks into a pub and says 'Can I have a pint of beer please?'
The bar person replies 'Sorry, we don't serve food'
A horse walks into a pub and the bar person says 'Why the long face?'